No-Drama Discipline
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER - The pioneering experts behind The Whole-Brain Child and The Yes Brain tackle the ultimate parenting challenge: discipline.Highlighting the fascinating link between a child's neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears--without causing a scene.Defining the true meaning of the "d" word (to instruct, not to shout or reprimand), the authors explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth. By doing so, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win/win situation. Inside this sanity-saving guide you'll discover- strategies that help parents identify their own discipline philosophy--and master the best methods to communicate the lessons they are trying to impart - facts on child brain development--and what kind of discipline is most appropriate and constructive at all ages and stages - the way to calmly and lovingly connect with a child--no matter how extreme the behavior--while still setting clear and consistent limits - tips for navigating your child through a tantrum to achieve insight, empathy, and repair - twenty discipline mistakes even the best parents make--and how to stay focused on the principles of whole-brain parenting and discipline techniquesComplete with candid stories and playful illustrations that bring the authors' suggestions to life, No-Drama Discipline shows you how to work with your child's developing mind, peacefully resolve conflicts, and inspire happiness and strengthen resilience in everyone in the family.

No-Drama Discipline Details

TitleNo-Drama Discipline
Author
LanguageEnglish
ReleaseSep 23rd, 2014
PublisherBantam
Rating
GenreParenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Family, Self Help

No-Drama Discipline Review

  • Jonathan
    January 1, 1970
    This book has a lot of excellent advice about the importance of your relationship with your children, and how you can "discipline" them in a way that preserves that relationship. I use quotes around "discipline" because the authors begin the book by launching into a sort of questioning of what we even mean by "discipline". They wind up redefining the word to mean something a little different from what you might expect (i.e. "to teach" rather than "to guide by consequences" as many parents have c This book has a lot of excellent advice about the importance of your relationship with your children, and how you can "discipline" them in a way that preserves that relationship. I use quotes around "discipline" because the authors begin the book by launching into a sort of questioning of what we even mean by "discipline". They wind up redefining the word to mean something a little different from what you might expect (i.e. "to teach" rather than "to guide by consequences" as many parents have come to understand it), and then proceeding to offer advice based on this new definition rather than the one with which you're familiar. All of the advice seems really great--it's loving, centered, and respectful of both parents and kids.But it feels like there's a huge missing piece: while the authors repeatedly speak about "boundaries" and "limits", they also preach firmly against "consequences" or "punishment". It's easy to see where they're coming from: handing out these painful forms of discipline is rough on the relationship and can engage anger rather than creating an actual teachable moment. On the other hand, the form of discipline they advocate is almost completely toothless. Every time your child misbehaves you're supposed to set aside time to "connect" with them and "redirect" later to discuss the behavior. One wonders if children will really feel there's a limit or boundary if nothing other than an acknowledgement that they've crossed it is forthcoming from Mom and Dad. In the book, almost every one of the example "interactions" end up with the child tearfully confessing their crimes, explaining their inner motivations, and working collaboratively with their parents on a solution. I don't know about your kids, but mine look me right in the eyes and tell me that they're just going to misbehave again! Despite the many references to brain physiology, there is little to recommend this book scientifically. The advice is based on anecdotes, not research, and on a vastly simplified and dichotomous view of the brain. I also felt like this book was of tremendously inflated size. Many paragraphs end with a variation on the following sentence: "And, by doing this, you'll not only help your kids cooperate in the short-term, but help their growing brains, giving them skills to last a lifetime!" After reading that sentence for the twentieth time, you may wish the authors had followed their *own advice* and used fewer words to greater effect.All that aside, there's a lot to like about this book. The authors freely confess their own parenting shortfalls, acknowledge there's no silver bullet, and much of the advice really is helpful. If you've never read a book about how to calm tantrums or deal with misbehavior in the most loving way possible, this is a great place to start. Just don't expect solutions to all of your misbehavior problems--as the authors themselves acknowledge, their own methods are no panacea.
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  • Tracy
    January 1, 1970
    This is worth a read from the library but please don't buy this book! What is said on 250 pages could be summarized in 15 and by making it longer the authors complicate a simple strategy. In short: connect with your kids and focus discipline on learning rather than consequences. I will have to try it before I judge the merits of the strategy. Much of the advice runs counter to almost every parental instinct I have. Eg, if your child throws your glasses against the wall, make a joke to lighten th This is worth a read from the library but please don't buy this book! What is said on 250 pages could be summarized in 15 and by making it longer the authors complicate a simple strategy. In short: connect with your kids and focus discipline on learning rather than consequences. I will have to try it before I judge the merits of the strategy. Much of the advice runs counter to almost every parental instinct I have. Eg, if your child throws your glasses against the wall, make a joke to lighten the mood and then talk about what to do next time. I think there are definitely great take always but I'm skeptical of how centered the strategy is on avoiding any bad feelings between parent and child. Bad feelings exist in all relationships. Part of being human is learning from them and doing better next time not avoiding them altogether.
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  • Matt
    January 1, 1970
    Before tackling this book, the reader must understand a secret that is essential to good parenting; there is no 'perfect parent' or 'ideal' approach to tackling the issues of disciplining a child. Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson dispel this myth from the beginning and offer an insightful and highly educational approach to discipline and parenting that is simple, yet effective. With strong parallels from their previous joint publication (The Whole Brain Child), which I have previously re Before tackling this book, the reader must understand a secret that is essential to good parenting; there is no 'perfect parent' or 'ideal' approach to tackling the issues of disciplining a child. Drs. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson dispel this myth from the beginning and offer an insightful and highly educational approach to discipline and parenting that is simple, yet effective. With strong parallels from their previous joint publication (The Whole Brain Child), which I have previously reviewed, the authors tackle discipline from a non-punitive perspective seeking the "teachable moment" approach for both parent and child. With a better understanding of the child's brain, the parent can fine-tune their end results to best align with what the child has going on and how the message reception plays an integral role in the final product, hopefully a cessation of the issue at hand. Siegel and Bryson make reference to their previous work and the different parts of the brain, as well as how disciplining from the lower, more reptilian, brain can lead to gross exaggeration and emotional messes that could take years to rectify. By talking and redirecting over punishing and lecturing, the authors propose that a child and their brain will become no only more receptive to addressing issues, but also more capable of digesting behaviours in need of change. While some sections may leave even the more tapped-in parent wondering where the parental power may have gone in this approach, Siegel and Bryson assure the reader that all is not lost, even if the magic wand is no longer in play. Well-written with honest examples and keys to success, Siegel and Bryson offer up a wonderful guide to address discipline issues from an emotionally calm and drama-free approach, leaving time for the parent and child to tune into an episode or two of DAYS OF OUR LIVES and see how well adjusted they are, compared to some families.This is the second 'parental discipline' book that I have read in the past few months. With a child in his Torrential Threes, I sought out some helpful advice to tackle issues of defiance, acting out, and even outright ignoring. While the book has some sound approaches to it, it contradicts some of the previous literature that I have read by another well-known and respected parenting expert. Such is the peril that any parent (or reader) will encounter when reaching out for assistance. I was pleased to see Siegel and Bryson speak of not "running one's life based on the manual of one expert or another while ignoring parental instinct", for that is what I feared I would do. Children are as unique as ice cream flavours, and the parent knows their child better than any academic or psychologist. At times, it takes a nudge in the right direction to tune into those frequencies the child emits, but we cannot discount our own intuition in finding an effective way to parent and discipline the child. I especially enjoyed the 'discipline is not all about punishment' approach, for I never saw the difference. Boiling discipline down to being a set of teachable moments, the parent can reins in behaviours and teach from a 'how well is this working?' angle, rather than a 'punish the behaviour out of you' approach. If I took one thing away from this book, it is that. Our children are the future and if we can get in better touch with their feelings and development (mentally, physically, and emotionally), we are well on the way to raising happier, healthier, and more well-adjusted children. Then we can see those life lessons flourish when grandchildren come along. That said, don't spill your secrets too readily; you had to learn them the hard way too! Kudos, Drs. Siegel and Bryson for this wonderfully organised book. I enjoyed its content as well as the strong ties to your previous work, which serves me well on a daily basis.Like/hate the review? An ever-growing collection of others appears at: http://pecheyponderings.wordpress.com/
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  • Courtney Judd
    January 1, 1970
    This book is excellent! I've been getting angry and unkind all too frequently with my two-year-old. "Time out" stopped working, reasoning is challenging, and although spanking was a last resort for me, it's ineffective. I needed other "resorts" so I turned to this book. I find "HALT" and "1,2,3" the most effective strategies. "HALT" stands for "hungry," "angry," lonely," and "tired." Those are the most common reasons why children act out. The idea behind "HALT" is that you pause before respondin This book is excellent! I've been getting angry and unkind all too frequently with my two-year-old. "Time out" stopped working, reasoning is challenging, and although spanking was a last resort for me, it's ineffective. I needed other "resorts" so I turned to this book. I find "HALT" and "1,2,3" the most effective strategies. "HALT" stands for "hungry," "angry," lonely," and "tired." Those are the most common reasons why children act out. The idea behind "HALT" is that you pause before responding to misbehavior and try to identify the source of the misbehavior in order to teach more effectively. "1,2,3" is a step-by-step approach to disciplining children calmly. 1. Why did my child act out this way? 2. What do I want to teach? and 3. How am I going to teach that principle. The idea that impacted me most in this book was that you can't teach a child to stop a behavior while the child is upset and out of control. The book instructs that before you address misbehavior you need to calm the child down, so the child will listen to what you are trying to teach. It also mentions how parents "over-talk" when they are disciplining, so children tune out what they are saying. I could go on....but I've already gone on too long. After a week of trying strategies learned, I will report that I am way less angry and more calm. It's exhausting making the effort to no-drama discipline, but the tantrums have seemed to end sooner. The book also promises that the more you no-drama discipline, the less you'll have to discipline because you are teaching your children skills to make better decisions, so fingers-crossed that's the case. I highly recommend it.
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  • Meg
    January 1, 1970
    When I saw the title of this book, I rolled my eyes and thought “No drama? You haven’t met my child.” As I started reading, I appreciated that the authors had a generally realistic approach to children and were thoughtful about how they connected their philosophy and suggested strategies to brain development. It had some helpful, catchy things to remember (like “shark music”). The examples seemed like real-life ones and every situation did not end perfectly. I liked all of these things. However, When I saw the title of this book, I rolled my eyes and thought “No drama? You haven’t met my child.” As I started reading, I appreciated that the authors had a generally realistic approach to children and were thoughtful about how they connected their philosophy and suggested strategies to brain development. It had some helpful, catchy things to remember (like “shark music”). The examples seemed like real-life ones and every situation did not end perfectly. I liked all of these things. However, in the end I felt the book didn’t offer me much, even though on the whole I agreed with most of their approach.Something I noticed early on was the total lack of reference to existing discipline approaches. The strategies and philosophies described in this book borrow quite a lot from discipline approaches such as Jane Nelson’s “Positive Discipline,” Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen,” Elizabeth Pantley’s “The No-Cry Discipline Solution,” and Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” (and probably others that I’m not aware of). It felt very disrespectful that the authors did not acknowledge others’ work in this area. For example, relating to the “redirect” strategies given here, the chapter in “How to Talk…” includes many of the same strategies (but is much more detailed and specific).But most importantly, I felt there was an over-emphasis on staying calm. On the one hand, yes, you are likely to use better discipline strategies if you are calm when you do it, and "connection before correction" (a Positive Discipline term) can definitely make a difference. On the other hand, isn’t it kind of weird to act like a zen robot with your child? I can’t stand hearing myself and other parents speak in that coaxing, fake-happy voice. You know what I mean: the one where we pretend we’re all understanding and patient when actually we are feeling annoyed and frustrated. If you’re angry, it’s okay to show your child that you’re angry – or hurt or disappointed – and that’s a more natural, human way to interact. And a stern voice communicates that you're serious and gets your child's attention, where a friendly, soft voice may not. I didn’t feel the book gave very constructive advice for how to manage emotional states while staying in connection with your child – basically it was just “help yourself to calm down before talking to your child.” (Again, I contrast it with parts of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” which show you how to be serious and stern, just more effectively and in a way that’s not damaging to your child/ the relationship.)As a side note, I felt like there were a few major discipline/ parenting issues that would have been relevant but were not addressed here, even briefly – like understanding children’s different temperaments, or thinking about different cultural styles, or using proactive strategies for family togetherness and communication.
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  • Eat.Sleep.Lift.Read.
    January 1, 1970
    There is no silver bullet to parenting and the authours rightly confess this in the book. There is a lot of useful advice here and much to like and enjoy in this book. But like any 'parenting' book, it seems to have been written in the land of parenting utopia where every 'explosive situation' is scalable and every child, given time, can see the errors of their ways. If your household is anything like mine, we don't have this luxury. That being said the 'message' of this book is simple, and on t There is no silver bullet to parenting and the authours rightly confess this in the book. There is a lot of useful advice here and much to like and enjoy in this book. But like any 'parenting' book, it seems to have been written in the land of parenting utopia where every 'explosive situation' is scalable and every child, given time, can see the errors of their ways. If your household is anything like mine, we don't have this luxury. That being said the 'message' of this book is simple, and on the whole, a commendable one. Connect with your kids, keep calm and try and avoid any nuclear episodes. I'm all for 'modern' parenting. Teaching through example, being tender and the rest of the mantra that goes into this book but I can also see the merit of taking the hard-line when needed. Parenting, like anything thing in life, is very situational. No one knows your kids better than you (hopefully), and knowing this should give one enough confidence to dealing with discipline situations appropriately. Much can be taken from this book and put into practice, just don't expect that far off land of calm and obedient little munchkins to be destination numero uno.
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  • sologdin
    January 1, 1970
    Much of my commentary on Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids applies to this text with full force and effect, especially how the text lays down a detailed rule in Agamben's sense.I appreciate this text's focus on neuroplasticity, on the one hand, and note that the refrain that one must redirect one's kid away from tantrums and other disfavored conduct is really a misdirection, a leading the kid away from the kid's sincere grievance, and is therefore consistent with Sun Tzu's gnomic that 'all war Much of my commentary on Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids applies to this text with full force and effect, especially how the text lays down a detailed rule in Agamben's sense.I appreciate this text's focus on neuroplasticity, on the one hand, and note that the refrain that one must redirect one's kid away from tantrums and other disfavored conduct is really a misdirection, a leading the kid away from the kid's sincere grievance, and is therefore consistent with Sun Tzu's gnomic that 'all warfare is based on deception,' on the other. It certainly identifies "moments of conflict" as both among the "most difficult" and "most important" "in any relationship" (81-82)--which is schwerpunkt doctrine, though perhaps not how Clausewitz conceived it.I think someone needs to write a pomo-marxist parenting book because the bourgeois platitudes grow wearisome after a while.
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  • Laura
    January 1, 1970
    This is a fantastic book; I would really like to adopt Siegel and Bryson's very well-informed and well-tested discipline philosophy. Their philosophy does seem to require more thought, creativity, and engagement with your child than the average parenting style. I think that my husband will be great at this, but I'm worried for myself about doing a good job with the creativity part.The philosophy in a nutshell is that you first connect with your child--meaning that you have a discussi This is a fantastic book; I would really like to adopt Siegel and Bryson's very well-informed and well-tested discipline philosophy. Their philosophy does seem to require more thought, creativity, and engagement with your child than the average parenting style. I think that my husband will be great at this, but I'm worried for myself about doing a good job with the creativity part.The philosophy in a nutshell is that you first connect with your child--meaning that you have a discussion or a few words to help calm your child (and yourself) to bring them to a less reactive state so that you can teach them better when you get to the correction step. (these are the only two steps)In correction, aka redirection, aka discipling (not a typo--they do talk about the relationship between discipleship and discipline even though it's not a religious book), you first think about what you want to teach your child, which may not be the same thing even for the same infraction from one time to another. One goal is to help your child develop empathy. Part of this will often involve discussing with your child what they can do to make things right.Siegel and Bryson advocate being consistent but not rigid and helping your child develop emotional intelligence in the long run. They do talk about how to begin this process with toddlers who can't participate in the process in the same way an older child can.We thought this book was really excellent. If any of you, my goodreads friends, read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book, especially if you have older children than I do. We intend to read more of Siegel's parenting books in the future.
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  • Nancy
    January 1, 1970
    This book reminds me of an updated version of books like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." In fact, this also has talking illustrations/cartoons outlining what to do ("Everyone gets to share the slide")/what not to do ((Let those kids slide or we're going home!"). What I like even better about this is it doesn't imply kids will always react in a reliable and connected way even if parents act and talk "perfectly" in any given situation. Lots of science behind childre This book reminds me of an updated version of books like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." In fact, this also has talking illustrations/cartoons outlining what to do ("Everyone gets to share the slide")/what not to do ((Let those kids slide or we're going home!"). What I like even better about this is it doesn't imply kids will always react in a reliable and connected way even if parents act and talk "perfectly" in any given situation. Lots of science behind children's brains, and helping kids to be emotionally self-aware. Summary of discipline outlined: connect & redirect. Good read.
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  • مشاري الإبراهيم
    January 1, 1970
    Should be called:The sissy approach to child discipline OrNo-balls discipline
  • Susan Bazzett-Griffith
    January 1, 1970
    I realized about 1/4 of the way into this book that I'd read another book by this author, and that not only was there a lot of the same information in this "new" book, but that what irked me about that book did the same in this one. Siegel and Bryson have interesting ideas, but no one needs to read more than one of their books to know/understand/get them. They believe in making sure discipline is about teaching versus punishment and that connection with your child is always the important first s I realized about 1/4 of the way into this book that I'd read another book by this author, and that not only was there a lot of the same information in this "new" book, but that what irked me about that book did the same in this one. Siegel and Bryson have interesting ideas, but no one needs to read more than one of their books to know/understand/get them. They believe in making sure discipline is about teaching versus punishment and that connection with your child is always the important first step in discipline. They back up their beliefs with research dealing with neurophysiology and the developing brain. They also use ENTIRELY too many hypothetical situations and analogies, some of which they clearly made up to help bring others around to their way of thinking rather than to illustrate a germane thought. It isn't a bad book, or a bad approach. I don't disagree with much of what they say in the book, but I take issue with reusing the same basic information in multiple books (I've only read one other, but they reference additional works, which they ALSO referenced in the other book I did read), and encouraging people to buy and read the other books when they've sufficiently summarized the information in each book on its own. Overall, I was disappointed in this book, but it was partly my own fault that I didn't check the author more closely.
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  • Loren
    January 1, 1970
    I enjoyed the basic ideas in this book, and appreciated the gentle, logical solutions presented. They are helpful ideas. But like SO many other parenting books, the tone is repetitive and a little arrogant - and it doesn't acknowledge that what parents need perhaps more than anything is grace for themselves, grace their children, and a sense of humor. I wish more parenting authors would just acknowledge that at one time or another, your child will be the hot mess melting down in a very public pl I enjoyed the basic ideas in this book, and appreciated the gentle, logical solutions presented. They are helpful ideas. But like SO many other parenting books, the tone is repetitive and a little arrogant - and it doesn't acknowledge that what parents need perhaps more than anything is grace for themselves, grace their children, and a sense of humor. I wish more parenting authors would just acknowledge that at one time or another, your child will be the hot mess melting down in a very public place. Your child(ren) will pick up bad habits and present discipline challenges that will exasperate you. And none of that makes you a bad parent.So yes, tell me your oh-so-perfect solutions for molding your child into that well-behaved angel that will make all of your other parent friends gaze upon with wistful sighs. But ... don't pretend that your book is going to solve the gritty, exhausting, frustrating parts of parenthood. It won't.
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  • Maria
    January 1, 1970
    This is the sort of book I think I need to just always be reading. On a loop. Things I took away this time were to connect first, to remember that if there isn’t a connection, any attempts to correct will be futile. Also remembering that just as I have hard days where my attitude is less than ideal, so do my kids. My job is to help them recognize those triggers, figure out how to minimize the negativity and refocus. And the final big takeaway- while it might feel ridiculous to be creative in eff This is the sort of book I think I need to just always be reading. On a loop. Things I took away this time were to connect first, to remember that if there isn’t a connection, any attempts to correct will be futile. Also remembering that just as I have hard days where my attitude is less than ideal, so do my kids. My job is to help them recognize those triggers, figure out how to minimize the negativity and refocus. And the final big takeaway- while it might feel ridiculous to be creative in efforts to redirect, not overexplain and to connect instead of just putting a kid in time out (or something similar), in the end, that’s not how things get better. I’m sure I’ll retain more on my next read through, but this was exactly what I needed right now. Now to find the energy to use what I’ve learned....
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  • Corie
    January 1, 1970
    No-Drama Discipline is one of the best parenting books I have read. Gone are the days of spanking, time-outs and other distancing, damaging methods of discipline. While those ways often escalate the tears, anger, frustration (parents' and kids'), the tools presented in this book are calming, connecting and life-changing. Rather than a parent vs. child stance, No-Drama Discipline ensures that parents and children are on the same team, working together and reaching resolution together, lovingly an No-Drama Discipline is one of the best parenting books I have read. Gone are the days of spanking, time-outs and other distancing, damaging methods of discipline. While those ways often escalate the tears, anger, frustration (parents' and kids'), the tools presented in this book are calming, connecting and life-changing. Rather than a parent vs. child stance, No-Drama Discipline ensures that parents and children are on the same team, working together and reaching resolution together, lovingly and respectfully. Cannot recommend enough, to adoptive parents, foster parents, and those parenting their biological children.
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  • Todd
    January 1, 1970
    All parents should read this. Great reminder of what is important.
  • Ash
    January 1, 1970
    Highly Recommended by my neighbor.
  • Nancy
    January 1, 1970
    This book suggests that disciplinary moments are opportunities for parents to develop the executive function of their children’s brains. It presents a “connect, then redirect” model whereby parents first focus on connecting emotionally with their children to deescalate heightened situations and then work with them to redirect behaviour to a more positive outcome. It’s definitely too early for me to use this information now, but I’ll be revisiting this book in the future for sure!!
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  • Bruce Hicks
    January 1, 1970
    I can't speak highly enough about this book. It explores the link between a child's neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior. Written in a clear and compassionate style, the authors present a research-based approach to viewing discipline as "teaching" rather than "punishing". It explains how a child's brain is--quite literally--immature, and how parents can help our children through difficult emotional times by connecting with them, helping them to calm down and access I can't speak highly enough about this book. It explores the link between a child's neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior. Written in a clear and compassionate style, the authors present a research-based approach to viewing discipline as "teaching" rather than "punishing". It explains how a child's brain is--quite literally--immature, and how parents can help our children through difficult emotional times by connecting with them, helping them to calm down and access their "upper brain" where true learning and growth can occur. It stresses the important of consistency and boundaries, but within a framework of connecting lovingly with a child and helping them to develop their minds and morals in a way that will benefit them their entire life.Co-author Tina Payne Bryson has a wonderful 5-minute video on Youtube (search no-drama discipline) that beautifully summarizes the no-drama discipline approach. If you're even a little curious about how to handle the next time your toddler (or teenager) has a melt-down, I would highly recommend it!A rare 5-star book for me, and it totally deserves it.
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  • Melissa Colby
    January 1, 1970
    I had already read The Whole Brain Child, which is by the same authors, so I was familiar with a lot of their concepts already, but I would say this is better than the whole brain child because it focuses much more on practical application and it is just that-practical. They take into account that this stuff doesn’t work every time. Many child rearing books don’t really talk about how their approach doesn’t work 100% of the time because we and our children are human, but they explain that well. I had already read The Whole Brain Child, which is by the same authors, so I was familiar with a lot of their concepts already, but I would say this is better than the whole brain child because it focuses much more on practical application and it is just that-practical. They take into account that this stuff doesn’t work every time. Many child rearing books don’t really talk about how their approach doesn’t work 100% of the time because we and our children are human, but they explain that well. I’d definitely recommend it. It’s not a Christian parenting guide, but it does have some great principles and practices you can pick up.
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  • Lekeshua
    January 1, 1970
    Great book that expands on gentle intentional parenting and recognition that children are people too. Children have the same big feelings that us adults do, so why treat them differently and attempt to mold them into society norms without helping them work on their big feels. The skill of self control should be handled just like fine motors skills, developed and practiced one step at a time. If we adults do all the talking and see discipline as a means of punishment only, we are in a world of hu Great book that expands on gentle intentional parenting and recognition that children are people too. Children have the same big feelings that us adults do, so why treat them differently and attempt to mold them into society norms without helping them work on their big feels. The skill of self control should be handled just like fine motors skills, developed and practiced one step at a time. If we adults do all the talking and see discipline as a means of punishment only, we are in a world of hurt.
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  • Kara
    January 1, 1970
    You can kind of skip the book and read the “Connect and Redirect Refrigerator Sheet” in the Resources section without missing much content. I’d prefer the anecdotes be replaced with research and sources.
  • Gail
    January 1, 1970
    Being a grandparent isn't easy, turns out. Especially if you raised sons but the majority of your grandchildren are girls. It shouldn't make any difference, right? Full disclosure: I'm an ardent feminist who cannot ignore the differences in emotionality I witness in granddaughters. The best word for it? Drama. Big time. And I have zero experience with and little patience for it. Thus, this book found its way into my Kindle. And I'm glad it did. Every generation has a new take ...sometimes evolut Being a grandparent isn't easy, turns out. Especially if you raised sons but the majority of your grandchildren are girls. It shouldn't make any difference, right? Full disclosure: I'm an ardent feminist who cannot ignore the differences in emotionality I witness in granddaughters. The best word for it? Drama. Big time. And I have zero experience with and little patience for it. Thus, this book found its way into my Kindle. And I'm glad it did. Every generation has a new take ...sometimes evolutionary and sometimes revolutionary .. on how to best raise children. Discipline is always a challenge. And while we may subscribe to the "discipline equals teaching" school, figuring out what that means in practice is another thing altogether. I was drawn to this book as much for the subtitle as to the idea of reducing drama. Whole-Brain. What's that? I'm an evidence-based person by profession (a retired nurse practitioner) while also recognizing the limitations of supposed "evidence" alone as the basis for improving human interactions. The field of psychology in particular has had a difficult time attempting to be "scientific" with something as multi-factorial as human behavior. And its history is riddled with things once proven that haven't held up over time (even one study referenced in this book, about children and impulse control). But this relies much more on neuroscience and what we have learned about how the brain works as the foundation for understanding children as they grow and develop. This I can buy into because much of what is referenced here has corollaries in working with adults with neurological diseases/injuries, addictions, and the like. As I read this, I wished I could go back in time to inform my own child-rearing practices. I missed so many opportunities to help my kids develop the way I intended. I've missed more than a few too with my grandchildren. The idea that a kid's brain is incapable of helping them control emotion and learn better behavior at the same time, is a simple one. But it is also profound. The point made about the propensity to lecture, to overwhelm kids with words, especially when they are utterly incapable of getting past the momentary chaos of their emotions, resonated so much with me. We want kids to develop empathy ...so we tell (yell?) them to "be nice to your sister!". Right. Like that works. But most of us lack the tools we need to assess the mess our kids are in when they are sucking us into the vortex of their drama, let alone figure out what to do once we figure out what's happening. We get angry and have little insight into our own emotions and triggers. My granddaughter is hitting the buttons my spoiled sister always did? Ah ... yup. And those responses color how we behave, and it often isn't exemplary behavior. This book walks you through a terrific model for improving your disciplinary style while challenging you to let go of what you think you know about how to correct bad behavior. The biggee? Punishment is not the goal. Suffering consequences is not the outcome. What? Really, you have to read it to get it. The authors offer lots of examples of situations that are so common, I could instantly recognize them and recall both my feelings at the time and what I did right ..and wrong. They do not beat up on imperfect parents, but offer a more structured way to dig out from under your own chaos to reduce the drama and improve the learning so your child (or grandchild) can become the person you hope they will be. Helping kids gain the ability to self-manage strong emotions (and not deny having them), to put themselves in others' shoes, to collaboratively problem-solve with a parent (and others) when conflict arises. These are life skills and I agree that this should be the ultimate goal of discipline. I really loved this book. I read an e-copy but think a hard copy would be useful since there are lists and tips in the back that you can put on the fridge (or take a pic of and put into your phone!) so that you can remind yourself how best to approach a break-down. This isn't a book you'll read once and then put on the shelf. It's a guidebook that I can imagine looking to often, especially when you tried to discipline well and it didn't work. They are quite clear that things don't always work as intended. That alone is refreshing. This book also isn't just for little kids. It can work into adolescence and beyond. In fact, I think it could benefit the husband-wife relationship as well, since so often the topic of disciplining kids is a stressor for marriages. The authors offer a workbook and I'm going to look at that as well. I think it would be helpful to try to do some scenarios to practice thinking in a new way. I also intend to check out their book "The Whole-Brain Child". Teachers could likely benefit from the work of these authors too; several examples of using this in schools are cited in the book I read. I will encourage my adult children to read this .. and hopefully, use it. I'm certainly going to re-think my interactions with my grandchildren as a result of reading this. Highly recommend for parents, grandparents, teachers and caregivers who work with children.
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  • Brittany Finnegan
    January 1, 1970
    I feel really ambivalent toward this book. It’s heavily rooted in psychology, which I’m interested in and have some background in, so I enjoyed listening to it (I listened to this book on Audible). It seems to be highly associated with their other book, The Whole Brain Child, so maybe I should have read that one first. I have a 3 year old and a baby, so there are definitely quite a few things I took away that I can use in my relationship with my kids. However, I think if I had older kids and I h I feel really ambivalent toward this book. It’s heavily rooted in psychology, which I’m interested in and have some background in, so I enjoyed listening to it (I listened to this book on Audible). It seems to be highly associated with their other book, The Whole Brain Child, so maybe I should have read that one first. I have a 3 year old and a baby, so there are definitely quite a few things I took away that I can use in my relationship with my kids. However, I think if I had older kids and I hadn’t raised them the way the authors are proposing, I wouldn’t have found it very useful. As much as the authors write about setting limits and consistency, they seem to be against nearly all forms of punishment and/or consequences. I understand their premise that we tend to overuse consequences. But sometimes they are necessary. You can’t fix every bad behavior with a dialogue between you and your kids, and kids aren’t always cooperative enough to admit to any fault and be part of the discipline process. The book basically says if your kids don’t respond to this method of “connect and redirect”, or you are having more intense and ongoing behavior problems, you need professional help. In my opinion, that would be the vast majority of families.I did feel convicted by parts of this book. Our culture doesn’t typically want children to be anything other than happy, but that’s not real life. Children experience a full range of emotions just like adults do, and they are entitled to “feel their feelings” and still know they are loved unconditionally. The authors admit several times that this method of discipline is not easy and that everyone will mess up sometimes. Even though I take a different stance on consequences than they do, I still learned a lot from the book.
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  • Steve
    January 1, 1970
    This book is thought-provoking, and inspired me to be more thoughtful and deliberate in disciplining my two boys. However, it also made me feel better about the job I am already doing as a parent, as I already use a lot of the strategies suggested in this book, including getting down to their eye level and helping them talk about their "big feelings" (and my wife is just naturally a masterful mom because she naturally does almost all of it). I also appreciated the repeated acknowledgement that e This book is thought-provoking, and inspired me to be more thoughtful and deliberate in disciplining my two boys. However, it also made me feel better about the job I am already doing as a parent, as I already use a lot of the strategies suggested in this book, including getting down to their eye level and helping them talk about their "big feelings" (and my wife is just naturally a masterful mom because she naturally does almost all of it). I also appreciated the repeated acknowledgement that even the authors are not always great parents. I often lose my temper, and generally default to timeouts for discipline. The authors try to convince parents to shun timeouts altogether, and I disagree there. I have found timeouts are often very helpful with my 5-year-old. He sometimes just needs a few minutes of quiet relaxation to calm the storm in his brain.However, other suggestions in the book are more helpful, and I will try to follow their lead by taking more time and thought with my disciplinary practices. It's hard to do that in the moment, but they also repeatedly remind parents that discipline doesn't have to be immediate. It's ok to take time to formulate an appropriate response. The book is readable and easy to follow for exhausted parents, especially with the helpful cartoon illustrating (literally) each point and suggestion, although it tends to be a little repetitive, but that's hard to avoid in the advice/self-help world.
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  • Daciana Washburn
    January 1, 1970
    updated in January 2019 : I read this again with my husband so he could be on the same page - still love it and I’m trying to apply what it teaches....Oct 2018: I’ve been really concerned about how to help my kids to be able to really process their emotions - I’ve also struggled with different disciplinary techniques. This approach is exactly what I need at this time. I’ve already started to use bits and pieces and have seen big differences with my toughest little guys.
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  • Molly
    January 1, 1970
    I thought this was a very helpful book. I read it right after "How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Your Kids Will Talk" and they complimented each other really well. I have started using some of the ideas with my kids with really good results. I'm still working on integrating more of the ideas and finding the ways these practices work best with my set of kids, but so far I'm impressed.
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  • Christy
    January 1, 1970
    This one gave me a lot to think about. My default parenting style is definitely the consequence-based, one size fits all style mentioned toward the beginning, as an approach that is flawed. I absolutely believed that anything less firm was far too touchy feely to be effective. This book really changed my mind. It’s not perfect- no parenting book is. But I must say: they made a great case for connection-first parenting approaches. I’m definitely going to give these techniques a sincere shot.
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  • Christine Luong
    January 1, 1970
    This book was so disappointing. I thought "The Whole-Brain Child" was excellent. It was informative yet engaging, and never dull or boring. This book, on the otherhand, was a chore to read. And it didn't really contain any new insights from The Whole-Brain Child. It took some concepts already discussed and expanded on them ad nauseum. It felt like a money grab.
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  • Becky
    January 1, 1970
    Love the approach, that it is scientifically-based, and the practical suggestions to help you succeed as a parent. I wish that I would have read it when the girls were babies. It has already changed how I operate at home and at work.
  • Roberta
    January 1, 1970
    Good info about the development of the child's brain and how it relates to behavior based on which stage of development the brain is at. It's good info to keep in mind when dealing with your child. Your fully developed brain cannot expect them to think and behave the same way with their not developed brain. Makes sense. Implementing it into your everyday life is another challenge when you need to see results. It requires first throwing away your learned instinct (your parents approach) and logic Good info about the development of the child's brain and how it relates to behavior based on which stage of development the brain is at. It's good info to keep in mind when dealing with your child. Your fully developed brain cannot expect them to think and behave the same way with their not developed brain. Makes sense. Implementing it into your everyday life is another challenge when you need to see results. It requires first throwing away your learned instinct (your parents approach) and logic (if you add A and B it should equal C) and concern of "spoiling" a child or "giving in" to their behavior. Because it first requires you to connect with them before you can redirect or correct their behavior. (Conditioning their brain to receive your message and incorporate it into its growth.) Which is difficult to do if big brother just shoved little sister or infuriating things like that. It's worth the read if you are in need of changing your parenting style. Or in a child profession. Understanding their brain development is important. Even if it may require an additional step/book to help implement the change.
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