Duped
Abby Ellin was shocked to learn that her fiancé was leading a secret life. But as she soon discovered, the world is full of people who aren't what they seem. From Abby Ellin's first date with the Commander, she was caught up in a whirlwind. Within six months he'd proposed, and they'd moved in together. But soon, his exotic stories of international espionage began to unravel. Finally, it all became clear: he was lying about who he was. After leaving him and sharing her story, she was floored to find out that her experience was far from unique. People everywhere, many of them otherwise sharp-witted and self-aware, are being deceived by their loved ones every day. In Duped, Abby Ellin studies the art and science of lying, talks to people who've had their worlds upended by duplicitous partners, and writes with great openness about her own mistakes. These remarkable stories reveal how often we encounter people whose lives beneath the surface are more improbable than we ever imagined.

Duped Details

TitleDuped
Author
ReleaseJan 15th, 2019
PublisherPublicAffairs
Rating
GenreNonfiction, Autobiography, Memoir, Psychology, Relationships, Biography Memoir

Duped Review

  • Debra
    January 1, 1970
    "He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second time and third time till at length it becomes habitual." - Thomas JeffersonAbby Ellin was duped by a man called "The Commander". He told her that he was a doctor with a secret job, he worked for the government and could not give her details about what his job ensued. He went on secret missions and sent her back amazing photos of his time fighting espionage overseas. The only problem, he was not who he said he was, "He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second time and third time till at length it becomes habitual." - Thomas JeffersonAbby Ellin was duped by a man called "The Commander". He told her that he was a doctor with a secret job, he worked for the government and could not give her details about what his job ensued. He went on secret missions and sent her back amazing photos of his time fighting espionage overseas. The only problem, he was not who he said he was, the photos were not his own and she believed his lies hook line and sinker...until one day she didn't. She noted that "his stories were so ludicrous they had to be true." She believed him but then started seeing things that did not add up. Then she began to slowly learn the truth and the depth of his deception. After learning the truth, Abby, a journalist wrote about her experiences in an article published in Psychology Today (July 2015 magazine). After that article she was contacted by numerous individuals who had also been duped.This book details her experiences along with those of others. Abby notes how lying is learned. She details how children hear their parents lying to friends on the phone (the old sorry, I'm not feeling well, I can't make it today when in fact said parent just wants to stay home and binge watch Netflix), parents also tell their children to say that like gifts that they do not, to not tell someone they think they are overweight, to tell lies so as not to hurt someone's feelings, etc. Children grow up with tales about Pinocchio and what happens when you tell a lie and yet they see lying all the time. The Author even shares how she went out and purchased a 2.5 carat cubic zirconia ring to use as her engagement ring, letting people think the commander bought her a diamond. She was in fact duping her friends and relatives with her fake ring.So why do people lie? According to David J. Ley, PhD people lie for six reasons1.The lie does matter....to them2.Telling the truth feels like giving up control3.They do not want to disappoint you.4. Lies Snowball5. It's not a lie to "them"6. They "want' it to be true.Here is a link to that article also published in Psychology today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...The Author also shares how no one really knows what it feels like to be duped unless one has gone through the same thing. "They don't understand what it's like to believe in someone and be utterly, completely mistaken. To discover that the person closest to you is actively working against you. One of the main reasons to be in a relationship is to have someone who's got your back. That was a large part of the Commander's appeal: he was on my team. Except, of course, he wasn't."How do people pull off having two families? What I really want to know is how do they afford it, I mean seriously.... two families, two homes, kids, bills, it boggles my mind. Then there are those like the Commander who lied all the time, saying he was a spy, he was involved in secret missions.... why???? why lie? Was it to give himself a sense of importance? Did he have a driving need to impress others? Was it to cover his tracks and explain why he needed to be gone so he could date another woman?The Author delves into lies and is very matter of fact and does not come off as bitter or angry about how she herself was duped. She details lies, why people are willing to believe lies, and how it feels to be duped. Pathological lying is not a clinical diagnosis although there are those who may wish it was. Ever meet someone who lies all the time that you begin to wonder what is real and what is the truth? So who gets duped? "Almost all of them were smart and accomplished; most had master's degrees and impressive careers." Most are extroverts. Most are agreeable people. "One of the traits under agreeableness is always believing the best in human nature." People want to believe that the people in their lives are honest, they naturally want to give others the benefit of the doubt.I found this book to be interesting and an easy read. I appreciated that she was matter of fact and even humorous at times. As I stated earlier, she does not come off as angry or bitter, but wants to share her story and the others in this book to shed light on this issue and how those are duped.Thank you to Perseus Books and NetGalley who provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Read all my reviews at www.openbookpost.com
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  • Valerity (Val)
    January 1, 1970
    Duped: Double Lives, False Identities, and the Con Man I Almost MarriedAfter the author, a writer who considers herself pretty savvy when it comes to people, finds that she’s been totally conned in her personal relationship, she decides to write a book about that experience and more. She tells what happened with “The Commander” as she called him, a doctor who was a Marine and took off all over doing deeds of good at a moment’s notice. All top secret and hush-hush, of course. She had a healthy sk Duped: Double Lives, False Identities, and the Con Man I Almost MarriedAfter the author, a writer who considers herself pretty savvy when it comes to people, finds that she’s been totally conned in her personal relationship, she decides to write a book about that experience and more. She tells what happened with “The Commander” as she called him, a doctor who was a Marine and took off all over doing deeds of good at a moment’s notice. All top secret and hush-hush, of course. She had a healthy skepticism but continued seeing him and got sucked in and they got engaged and moved in together. Then it got harder to ignore the things that didn’t add up. Eventually, the situation blew itself up and they split up after his stories became a bit too much. But the book is done with that in the first little bit and goes on much longer about double lives and people who deceive and live falsely. I rather expected more of a story about her being duped I suppose. I didn’t realize the relationship was so short lived. Just so you know, it’s more about other people than just the man who tricked her. My thanks for the advance electronic copy that was provided by NetGalley, author Abby Ellin, and the publisher for my fair review.Public Affairs 272 pagesPub: Jan 15th, 2019RATED: 3.5/5 StarsMy BookZone blog: https://wordpress.com/post/bookblog20...
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  • Shelly
    January 1, 1970
    Surprisingly captivating! This book had me turning the pages well after midnight and well after my eyes wanted to close. The author tells the stories of duplicitous individuals in a fascinating and engaging manner. I was hooked form page one. I appreciated the scientific anecdotes alongside the enthralling narratives. Five stars.
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  • Marianne K
    January 1, 1970
    Wow, a book about dupers, and liars, what's not to like!? A very interesting subject that the Liberal author could not resist using to make multiple digs at the current administration in D.C. I was willing to forgive the first time right at the beginning of the book, and then the second time a few pages later, but it wore thin after a while. If I'd wanted to read a political book skewering Donald Trump, then I would have sought one out. I really dislike it when authors do this. Why alienate one- Wow, a book about dupers, and liars, what's not to like!? A very interesting subject that the Liberal author could not resist using to make multiple digs at the current administration in D.C. I was willing to forgive the first time right at the beginning of the book, and then the second time a few pages later, but it wore thin after a while. If I'd wanted to read a political book skewering Donald Trump, then I would have sought one out. I really dislike it when authors do this. Why alienate one-half of your readers? Casting my complaints aside, I did enjoy all the information about duping and how such emotional betrayals affect your life. Thank you to NetGalley and Hachette Book Group for proving me with a copy to review.
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  • Kayo
    January 1, 1970
    Truly fascinating. While author got duped, she writes about lying and deception and how we all can fall various ways. Excellent read! Thanks to author,publisher and Netgalley for the chance to read this book. While I got the book for free, it had no bearing on the rating I gave it.
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  • Jennie
    January 1, 1970
    3.5 stars. Really interesting look at lying liars who lie. It's crazy to think about the people around us who are living in a puddle of lies. I knew a woman in college who was a compulsive liar, but luckily I wasn't in close enough range to suffer from it. Ellin tells about her ex-fiance who told so many lies (about his job, his family, his relationships, his OTHER FIANCEE, etc) that it's not surprising that it unraveled. We like to tell ourselves we'd be smarter and less gullible, but that's no 3.5 stars. Really interesting look at lying liars who lie. It's crazy to think about the people around us who are living in a puddle of lies. I knew a woman in college who was a compulsive liar, but luckily I wasn't in close enough range to suffer from it. Ellin tells about her ex-fiance who told so many lies (about his job, his family, his relationships, his OTHER FIANCEE, etc) that it's not surprising that it unraveled. We like to tell ourselves we'd be smarter and less gullible, but that's not necessarily so. It's easier to live life trusting people than it is to be supremely skeptical. This wasn't a book that was amazingly written or unmissable, just a well written story about something that touches each of our lives. Very interesting and timely.
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  • Jackie
    January 1, 1970
    Abby Ellin explores the reality of the pathological liar in our society in all it's permutations. She was involved in 2010 with the Commander, a man who boasted of CIA links, covert missions, and links to famous people. As a woman who was married to a pathological liar, I could readily relate to her bewilderment at being duped - these liars are eminently persuasive. The book is fascinating- exploring the concept on a personal, and then historical level.
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  • Robyn Murphy
    January 1, 1970
    This isn’t a memoir but rather a study of human nature, and I found it completely engrossing. Ellin, an engaging writer, is able to merge raw reflections and science into something I truly wanted to read.
  • Jennifer Mcgarey
    January 1, 1970
    3.5 Stars I loved the narrator’s voice. Non-fiction - interesting topic.
  • Leslie
    January 1, 1970
    This book should be required high school reading. Well written - easy to read quickly. Great immersive read.
  • Amanda
    January 1, 1970
    DNF at 53%
  • SundayAtDusk
    January 1, 1970
    Author Abby Ellin starts off her book by telling the story of how she almost married a con man in the Navy. Apparently all her investigative journalism skills were in hibernation during the time she dated and was engaged to the man; since he told her story after story that made him sound like a superhero and a secret agent. Yes, she had doubts, doubts that were shouted out by "lonliness, desire, compromise, love, his Big Life and his upstandingness". Not trying to be overly suspicious here, but Author Abby Ellin starts off her book by telling the story of how she almost married a con man in the Navy. Apparently all her investigative journalism skills were in hibernation during the time she dated and was engaged to the man; since he told her story after story that made him sound like a superhero and a secret agent. Yes, she had doubts, doubts that were shouted out by "lonliness, desire, compromise, love, his Big Life and his upstandingness". Not trying to be overly suspicious here, but yeah, sure. One wonders if it was actually that the author preferred fantasy lives over everyday real lives, or that she knew early on that being engaged to a con artist would make a good first-person story about being duped.Nevertheless, the book gets worse. Ms. Ellin then goes on to propose that everyone lies and everyone can be conned. She apparently lies all the time about "little things", without recognizing one can answer questions in a truthful manner without hurting the feelings of others, without telling a downright lie. When she states her friends see her "as being honest to a fault", one has to wonder about her friends. Actually, it was a story about one of her friends on page 60 something that made me cease reading the book. Sorry, when I read a book about liars and con artists, I want it to be written by an author who has a more traditional and less tainted view of honesty.(Note: I received a free ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)
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  • The Bookish Hooker
    January 1, 1970
    Abby Ellin has been duped. The man she loved and hoped to marry has been found to be a fraud...a lying, cheating fraud. And she's about to tell you all about it and the psychology behind these career liars and what makes them do what they do. The premise of the book is fascinating. I've seen stories like hers on shows like Dr. Phil and Dateline, but never knew the victim's side of the story so in depth. We look on these cases and think they could never happen to us, but the author shows us just Abby Ellin has been duped. The man she loved and hoped to marry has been found to be a fraud...a lying, cheating fraud. And she's about to tell you all about it and the psychology behind these career liars and what makes them do what they do. The premise of the book is fascinating. I've seen stories like hers on shows like Dr. Phil and Dateline, but never knew the victim's side of the story so in depth. We look on these cases and think they could never happen to us, but the author shows us just how wrong we really are. I'll be honest, I couldn't put this book down. Her details of her own personal duping and the additional cases she introduced to the story were fascinating. The overall tone of the book was great, too. Instead of the book being bitter from her fraud or being dry with the psychology details, she finds a way to blend it all in a slightly irreverent tongue in cheek manner that is fun to read. I rarely see a non-fiction book that keeps me as interested as this one did. Thank you to NetGalley and Perseus Books for the advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
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  • Rhonda Lomazow
    January 1, 1970
    Abby Ellin a sophisticated New Yorker an author an adult fell in love with a man she met on line .Known as The Commander a Beverly Hills dr who gave up His practice doing covert work for the government yes even medically examined osama Ben Ladin.What a man what a great guy but after their engagement all his stories began to unravel she had been duped .After leaving the relationship she begins to write about scammers hearing from people who had this happen to them.A fascinating shocking read high Abby Ellin a sophisticated New Yorker an author an adult fell in love with a man she met on line .Known as The Commander a Beverly Hills dr who gave up His practice doing covert work for the government yes even medically examined osama Ben Ladin.What a man what a great guy but after their engagement all his stories began to unravel she had been duped .After leaving the relationship she begins to write about scammers hearing from people who had this happen to them.A fascinating shocking read highly recommend. # NetGalley #Perseusbooks# Duped
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  • Nirmala
    January 1, 1970
    This book gave me perspective, I know not everyone is honest with you all the time, even I am not for sure. The author did a good job of narrating each chapter and linking it with her personal life so that we could trust her words. So far, an enjoyable read.
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  • Susan bly
    January 1, 1970
    Don't buy this bookI found this book to be boring and a complete waste of time. Save your money and attention. Don't buy this book.
  • Sharon
    January 1, 1970
    First part of this book was very interesting when she uncovered someone she was seeing as a liar. Then the book started to drag as far as I was concerned and I lost interest. DNF
  • Marybeth Taranow
    January 1, 1970
    3.5
  • Deb
    January 1, 1970
    DUPEDBy Abby Ellin Abby Ellin has researched a topic that touches everyone’s life. If you have ever been lied to or told a lie (and everyone has!) this should be your next read. No lie.Ellin opens with the story of the “Commander,” who wins the award for the most colossal liar I’ve ever heard of. Abby falls for him and ends up writing this book as a result. He even gets a thank you in the book’s Acknowledgments, but not before having been paraded before us many times as an example of very bad be DUPEDBy Abby Ellin Abby Ellin has researched a topic that touches everyone’s life. If you have ever been lied to or told a lie (and everyone has!) this should be your next read. No lie.Ellin opens with the story of the “Commander,” who wins the award for the most colossal liar I’ve ever heard of. Abby falls for him and ends up writing this book as a result. He even gets a thank you in the book’s Acknowledgments, but not before having been paraded before us many times as an example of very bad behavior. I had tears from laughing when he was introduced. Abby has done a very thorough and interesting job of researching dupers and dupees, liars and the lied to. I never knew there were so many people studying lying and deception, and surprisingly, many of our preconceived ideas are incorrect. Just when you think the book may be getting a little too academic, she throws in another humorous anecdote, one from her own experiences (enter the “Cliché”) or from others. We can all relate in one way or another to these tales. At least we can if we have any life experience at all. I enjoyed this book from start to finish and look at everyone around me and at myself a little differently.
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  • Csaintlouis
    January 1, 1970
    I couldn't put this book down. The author starts by telling her own incredible story of falling for a seemingly perfect man - The Commander - who turns out to be a liar. Then she explores why people dupe as well as the flip side of why people believe con artists. What I love about this book is the author doesn't blame and shame people who have been duped. When a woman is conned, everyone blames the victim. But Ellin doesn't. She tackles the trauma of being duped with empathy. She uses her report I couldn't put this book down. The author starts by telling her own incredible story of falling for a seemingly perfect man - The Commander - who turns out to be a liar. Then she explores why people dupe as well as the flip side of why people believe con artists. What I love about this book is the author doesn't blame and shame people who have been duped. When a woman is conned, everyone blames the victim. But Ellin doesn't. She tackles the trauma of being duped with empathy. She uses her reporting chops to tell other people's stories too, including that of double agent Kim Philby's treachery. Insightful read.
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